Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.

   There’s nothing more annoying than having a song stuck in your head that you don’t know all the words to.

   Don’t you hate it when you type in your username and password without looking at the screen, then after you press enter, you realize the cursor is not even on the login screen?

   Does anyone else feel more sorry for the dog with the homeless guy than the guy himself?

   You send me endless invites to play games here on Facebook but didn't send me an invite to your party...

   Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sunlight and poop out oxygen.

   March isn't the only thing that comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

   I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.

   I'm not sure what I hate most about rain. The fact that it's cold, it's wet, or it instantly turns everyone else on the road but you into a bad driver.

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   I remember a day when actions used to speak louder than words. Then along came Facebook.

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   I just got mood poisoning from work

   Tampa area man swallowed by sinkhole. Yep....that's where my ex-lives now....go figure...she got another sucker.

   Sequester Apocalypse? I don't even see any dead road kill on my morning drive to work. I want a refund.

   Obama must be out of his Vulcan mind using the term "Jedi mild meld." Who doesn't know the difference between the Vulcan mind meld and Jedi mind trick?