Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The adult way to end a relationship is to hide and hope it goes away.

   As sholes can only make women wet through the tear ducts.

   Having a bad day? For every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, each Kardashian makes $80,000. I hope this cheered you up a little.

   Meanwhile, in Iran, shock as traces of beef are found in camel meat.

   Only 2 more days of black history month, thank god, I'm tired of eating chik and watermelon. Thats how it goes right?

   Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds

   Apparently, you no longer have to be 21 to consume Budweiser!

   At the Karma Cafe, there are no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   I've been telling jokes about distance but I think this time I've gone too far.

   You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old.

   if your fiancée loses 30 lbs to get married, they’ll put 60 back on…

   Not sure which is worse: A dry hand job or turkey bacon...

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   What’s with this “name an animal that doesn’t have an “A” in it? It's harder than you think!” How about effing Dog?? Seriously…

   Probably the worst thing than getting a wedgie from a school bully, was having him pull you're pants down in front of a girl you like.

   I asked Janet if she would hand me a cold bottle of water from the frig. she look and said the only thing cold is the Bud. That's ok I said same thing...