Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   goto yahoo, then click "Best and worst dressed at Oscars", first pic Halle Berry, second pic Pinocchio....

   If this van's a rockin'?,,, the front wheel must have come off the cinder block... Just knock on the trailer door, someone's usually home

   How about you Harlem shake off a cliff

   well the Oscars this year were dominated by the movie Pi....next year, I demand they make a movie named bacon....

   My phone's broken, if you need me, message me on MySpace .

   Stupid people really irritate me. I wish I could piss on some people and sprinkle some wisdom on them.

   Online dating creeps me out! I'll stick with good old-fashioned prison pen-pals.

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   Dear people that still clip your phone to your belt.......stop.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   Oscars - some award show for boring movies I will probably never watch even if they paid me.

   Ironic that the Oscar for worst boyfriend ever went to a guy named Oscar...

   Manti Teo and the 40 yard dash in 4.8 2 seconds he said he would have ran it faster if he wasn't carrying his girlfriend

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...

   I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.

   To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...

   Facebook, cos nothing reassures yourself more than seeing how the other half live

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend