Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.

   Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door..... But his girlfriend was dead against it

   How have no liquor companies advertised during the Oscars? That's what's keeping us all going!

   The Daytona 500 is over. And so we wait for its return much in the same manner we do all once a year occurrences...like the Flu and the April 15th tax deadline.

   Sorry Oscar, I had a date with Glenn and Rick and Daryl and Herschel

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   Adele looks like a charcoal briquette

   My relationship with my first wife was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.....

   Renee Zellweger and Kristen Stewart, drunk or high?

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   I want what ever Kristen Stewart is on!! She is anywhere but at the freakin Oscars!!!

   Michelle Obama presenting best picture? This is really just a long live-action episode of Family Guy isn't it?

   I saw what Kristen Stewart looked like and started laughing so hard I totally forgot what I was gonna say...

   This has been the weirdest Oscars Awards show ever! Harry Potter was dancing. Bellatrix was singing. And Lucias Malfoy got an award

   And this year's Oscar (Pistorius) goes to ....... Jail. (͡๏̯͡๏)

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.......... If you're almost there & she laughs, now that's a different thing.....

   ***News Alert*** Michelle Obama is stunned her husband didn't win Best Actor.

   If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?

   Women: The prettiest flowers in God's garden.

   High School Reunions: Trying to replicate that which was never so great to begin with.