Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies if you have a daughter she will learn and emulate your behaviours so tone down the b itchy attitude and try a little graciousness

   Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   I simply purposed that we have Another one Bites the Dust playin as customers come in to purchase their headstones, I didn't think she would fire me and insist I seek mental help...

   Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!

   Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..

   Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..

   My doctor asked for a stool, a urine, a blood, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: No. I just lay there.

   First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!

   The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.

   That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome

   a dentist and a manicurist had a fight. it was quite a battle,in fact they fought tooth and nail.

   The Daytona 500 is today. In related news, I'll be watching mold grow on some bread.

   What impresses me more than your facebook friend count hovering at around 5,000...are the same three people that post on your page.