Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I’ve been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   I’m beginning to get disillusioned....the scotch tape doesn’t taste like scotch...there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken and this avocado exfoliating mask tastes like crap in the guacamole I just made.....I guess I’ll go try some hash browns....

   FYI Atheist do not have to thank anyone for Friday because Friday is a free natural phenomenon.

   i keep getting all these popups...if this lasts 4 hours, I'm gonna have to visit WebMD

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   wine is the wrath of grapes.

   Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   For Free, 5 foot of snow....you pick up and haul (from my drive) First 10 people get a free glass of ice water with it.....limited supply so hurry fast.

   I am a virgin...just not very good at it...