Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

   I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence...And silence is not a punishment, at times it was a gift...

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   It's the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!

   Why can't I be like the other guys that I know, and just be happy with an ugiy f@t girl?

   Weatherman are a little too excited to finally be right about predicting this big storm. You're still at 1% accuracy guys. Calm the $&#% down...

   Its just one of those days, there is a party in my pants and I wasnt even invited.

   a woman a day keeps the hand away

   Guys, don't hit your woman! Bottle that $hit up inside like a real man!!

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”