Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.

   Kim Kardashian Says She Would Like To Have Sex With Herself …To Know What It Feels Like! Guess that means that after Kanye West Noone wants to touch her.

   I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?

   Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this "victim" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.

   Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.

   I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .

   Wow you're having a baby? Congratulations! ...One second I'll be right back, I'm just going to take my birth control.

   The closest I come to beastiality is grabbing a ponytail.

   I trick girls into 69 by giving them upside down hugs.

   According to my wife's calculations, I haven't been right in 12 years.

   Cemeteries: Saving me on buying flowers since High School.

   Dont even look up to me for help. I make a bad situation even worse.

   Chicken pot pie. My 3 favorite things

   either I'm not feeling to well or I just sat on a whoopie cushion full of beef gravy!

   I need two lives. One to do the things right and another to be myself.

   Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.

   It's always funny until it happens to you.

   Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?