Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3628 of 6453

clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
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02-18-2013 12:36 by MG
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Tried putting myself in someone's shoes & now I have a smelly boot stuck on my head!
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02-18-2013 13:27
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I don't want to think today. I just want to breathe.
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02-18-2013 13:57
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I haven't gotten laid in so long, you'd swear I've been wearing Crocs all this time.
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02-18-2013 13:58
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Talking to boring people makes me feel like I’m underwater and I'm running out of oxygen.
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02-18-2013 14:00
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Roses are Red Violets are Glorious, Never Sneak up on Oscar Pistorius
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02-18-2013 14:23 by S
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"That was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy." ~Amy Farrah Fowler
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02-18-2013 16:07 by MTQ
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Today, I was thinking who got all that Gaddafi's cool sunglasses.
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02-18-2013 16:14
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so...I gues it doesn't pay to enrich your word power...
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02-18-2013 16:16
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The common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.
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02-18-2013 16:23
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never sleeps next to anything that he wouldn't want to wake up next to.

all the pictures of food you post online do is remind me that it is likely poop right now.
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02-18-2013 16:58
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Article on USA Today talking about guns "Role in suicides". I guess the next time someone jumps off a bridge, we will start talking about tearing all of the bridges in America down...
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02-18-2013 17:38 by Daveb1171
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so broke right now, he has been using used tissues as toilet paper...and sometimes vice versa.

Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.

One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

seat belts are for people who have time to die, hell I don't even have time to sleep
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02-18-2013 18:32
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