Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

   The Postal Service should have Lance Armstrong deliver Saturdays mail for free....

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   can't think of anytime to put as a status right now. If you could write my status for me, what would you put?

   i don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits, so I'm not an alcoholic I'm spirtual

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   I have no problem with a little junk in the trunk.... as long as there is no junk in the front!

   I really wasn't planning on drinking all that beer this evening. The pretzels made me do it.

   it looks like all the insurance companies are trying to see who can have the worst commercials...

   i'm really good at totally screwing myself over

   Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give

   Men need 100% talent to succeed in life....... Women need only 4%..... because the remaining 36+24+36 helps..

   when someone tells me I can't do something, I try 100% harder to prove them wrong.

   It doesn't matter how old we are, from a young child to an adult. When your parents praise you about something, even if it may be the smallest of things, it always makes me smile, realizing I have made them proud in some way.

   Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Wife: Have a super terrific day pumpkin head. Me: You too poop face. Yes we have this marriage thing locked down.

   When a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?",she already knows it does, she has eyes. Don't even try to answer, flee the scene & hide.

   Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday.

   It turns out if a person looks into your eyes for more than 6 seconds without blinking, he/she wants to either kill you or have sex with you.