Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...

   Bought a pack of air the other day. Guess what... There were Chips inside

   Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.

   Eating generic fruit loops is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?

   Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...

   Liking your own status is the online equivilent of savoring your own fart...

   Keep it down kids....Aunt Minnie is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.

   Celebrating black history month by not pulling my pants up.

   A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."

   You call it blacking out. I call it a booze nap.

   If I had a dollar for every time I used the phrase "If I had a dollar", I'd be as rich as I wanted to be...and boring to talk to...if I had a dollar.

   some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

   I bet Mickey's Mom said "Go to your basement!"

   #TeamSingle,.. Being Single Isn't A Team You Are ALONE

   Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   Want to hate any song in less than ten seconds? Just set it as your alarm for 5:30 in the morning.