Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. At the touch of beer, everyone becomes a superhero.

   Let’s all join hands and remember the Golden Rule of Life: Do not feed the trolls.

   Whenever a woman asks "Do I look fat?" my standard response is always, "Hand me my vodka, I mean my glasses"

   Religious people are so nice. They're always trying to make travel plans for you.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   Hey mothers who are always telling everyone who cares to listen, "My kids are my life" If your kids are your life how come you hardly spend time with them and are always out clubbing and parting like there is no tomorrow every other day of the week?

   It is what I is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   if you've been married less than a year, stop with all the love and marriage quotes. S hit will eventually hit the fan...

   my favorite part of waking up is calculating how long until I get to go back to sleep...

   Face it.. Hotel rooms are good for one thing only... Getting laid

   Bad news The Invetor of the Etch a Sketch just died at 86 - The good news is his cremated remains will be encased in commemorative Editions of the Etch A Sketch product..

   Why is it that I am just realizing that Joey and Chandler did not have a sink in their apartment?

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   The only person you should believe when they tell you they love you is your dog and weed.

   "It's not what it looks like!" - said when something is exactly what it looks like

   This is my bed, it's where I jerk off. That's my couch, it's also where I jerk off. Over there is the bathroom, I jerk off in there too.

   I'm not ignoring you, my thoughts are just more important than your words.