Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   The majority of my life is spent alone, the rest is spent feeling alone.

   Happiness, is just a liquor store away.

   so hungry I could eat a horse!! Here I come burger king!

   I am thoroughly convinced that some women don't fart. They just hold it in and it comes out as drama.

   This just isn't my day... It could be raining t*tties and I'd get hit in the head with a d*ck...

   Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   I hate it when people throw cigarette butts in urinals... It makes them soggy, and hard to light.

   whoever said "Haste makes waste" never watched me eat a pizza!

   The state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant now that marajuana has been legalized. That must be one of those green jobs president Obama is always talking about.

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   I'm all for saving the planet, but recycling jokes doesn't help...

   If aliens were to intercept facebook signals, they'd conclude the only things we have to eat and drink here on Earth is bacon, cats, coffee and vodka.

   youtube is red, facebook is blue, I'm so lonely with nothing to do

   The Boy scouts just announced their new dont drop the soap derby.

   vodka is made with potatoes....i have a lot of family who like "health drinks"

   This girl at the bar said she wanted a man that's fun and spontaneous but got mad when I tickled her...

   "Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance." - Alcohol.

   finds it very retarded when someone knocks then when you ask who it is they say'me'.Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked#SeriouslyNow!!!