Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?

   Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. :p

   There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same

   People really misunderstand me.....I mean, I’m a simple girl, really. I enjoy long romantic walks (to the liquor store)...quiet conversations (with my bail bondsman)....that secure feeling (that only an ankle monitoring bracelet can bring)...

   My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

   For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?

   "Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown

   My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.

   does things the Chicago way - He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!

   I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers.