Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   No, I don't remember why I don't like you but what does that have to do with anything?

   Sometimes I think my mind is out to get me.

   The existence of the 'snooze' button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we'll never know.

   I am woman. Hear me ignore.

   Women need to be complimented so much it's like they're asking us to lie.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   Welcome to Fart Club, it stinks in here, this was a bad decision for a club.

   I think I had too much to think :-(

   i once "accidently" dropped a paper cup full of dish washing detergent into the fountain at a botanical garden... quite interesting watching the outcome

   prison ain't called the pokey for nothin you know

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   If you can't sleep try counting scary sounds your house is making.

   Dan Marino's Love Child: There were no DNA tests. This came about when the mom saw the kid throw her bottle across the room in a perfect spiral hitting her dead center in the face every time.

   If Dane Cook is lame, why do you follow him on Twitter?

   So he's not lame? I think you're both lame!