Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it.

   you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again

   Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.

   OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   What does a 90 year old virgin's pussa taste like,,,,,Depends

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   Next time your bf/gf get mad attach a cape around their neck and say "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh...marry them...

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.