Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

   If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

   I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on

   There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.

   There is a photo of Obama circulating around FB showing how much he's grayed over the past 4 years since becoming president.. It's hard to believe that one man could age so much worrying about his next round of golf.

   If I could play golf with any celebrity, it would be Stephen Hawking. I would win by a landslide, assuming he doesn't play with a handicap.

   freely admits that I don't know how to play Minesweeper - I just click random boxes hoping I'm right.

   the facebook app...its like combining ESPN with Weather Channel & some occasional drama

   WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!

   Why are hoes like "Oh, its winter, I need a boyfriend to keep me warm"?.... No b**tch, buy a coat.

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   I think I just had a wardrobe malfunction................................

   I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   I have DirecTV...where's my genie??

   choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want...

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."