Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sound of a child's laughter makes me smile. Unless its in Zombies! Dang box!

   Getting married at 18 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

   my power is going through red lights and looking hot enough to not get pulled over

   too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

   I'd never get in the back of a stranger's van for candy, but if you have a beer, then consider me kidnapped.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   if the college you went to has a tv commercial, you didnt go to college

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

   Subway lawsuit defense ... maybe the sub was cold.

   Not going to see the new Hansel & Gretel. However, in keeping with the spirit of those who get excited over this type of thing, I'm leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go so I can find my way home.

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   The difference between me and some other guys: If my significant other cheats on me, their ass will be out the door, no excuses, no second chances.

   All birds find shelter during a rain. But the eagle avoids rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference!

   Lance Armstrong uses performance enhancing drugs to win races... I use performance enhancing drugs to write Posts... Should we be penalized?

   Help me spread the word all over the internet that I am a millionaire. cause if its on the internet it has to be true.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.

   The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?

   Facebook is probably the most efficient way of telling as many people as possible that you're lonely. ツ

   I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.