Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand in the relationship.

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

   Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can’t see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don’t kill him.”

   Having a threesome during Flu season is just asking for trouble..

   Women want someone that looks good on their arm, holds all their crap, and compliments their shoes. Basically men are just purses.

   Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live

   Some peoples tattoos look like they were done in a jeep going over sweet jumps!

   If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a piss-ant's go-cart two laps around a cheerio!

   hope the women don't sue me for lying about my length too

   Am I gonna have to be the one that asks? Really? Cause I'm not seeing how we're supposed to buy into Donkey having babies with the Dragon from Shrek

   It's like 7 degrees today. I just hugged a guy & I had to call him an ambulance, he got 2 deep nipples stab wounds on the chest.

   hate when I just get home and can't sleep cuz it's too bright out!

   Sometimes its better to remain silent because you are tired of explaining yourself over and over again to the same dumbass person.

   My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   Officer; "Sir, would you mind taking an alcohol test?" Me; "I have been testing alcohol all day so I don't see how one more test could hurt."

   Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes