Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference.

   Just imagine how Humpty Dumpty felt when all the kingmens couldnt put him back together....... Thats how I feel about our relationship

   This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

   To those who ask why do need a gun that the capacity of holding 20-30 rounds of ammo....... Ok, let me ask you this, Do you need a cell phone? Do you need a Ipad? Do you need an SUV or a 50,000 square foot house? Do you need facebook? Nope! But its

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   Me calling restaurant: Hi. Do you have tables or just booths? Restaurant: We have both. Is this for a handicapped person? Me: No..I'm just a fat f**k.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!

   A woman is not an object, listen to what it says.

   I thought I seen a flying mattress going down the road, but then realized it was strapped to a smart car.

   I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.

   I have a friend with a lazy eye too. His name is Pete ,, or should I say PIRATE PETE. One eye is looking at you, while the other is looking for you.

   Waiting for some indian dude to come out with a song called Ghandi style

   Subway is not the only one being sued for lying about their length......

   Plan for tonight: 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2. figure the rest out later

   Ladies: imagine a man who’s rich, handsome, listens well and loves you for who you are. Now keep imagining him, because he’s only imaginary.

   If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool.

   Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.