Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im a wreck to be forcened with.

   Your Google search history is the real you.

   Dear Hockey, I do not understand you.

   Nicky Minaj is like Tang. She's dry, orange, and nobody actually likes her.

   I heard that Tom Brady isn't going to the pro bowl for an undisclosed injury. Didn't know bruised ego was a real injury.

   Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.

   Life was easier and simpler when I was apart of the Sheepeople herd.

   Facebook, Helping stalkers since 2004.

   I'm exercising, eating right & watching my alcohol intake. So don't cross me...I'm sober & I'm cranky.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   Roses are red, nuts are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it is stiff, stick it in! Not that's a love poem!

   I ate a cigarette last night cause I thought it was a fry.

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   Let’s get married. Well not married, but let’s share our stuff. Well not share, but give me half of your stuff.

   wife doesn't understand the home improvement and beer monies come from the same budget

   I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

   all these crazy a$$ nuts with guns are making the gun nuts look bad...

   I heard ove a million people attended Obamas inauguration and only 14 of them missed work!

   I hate people who talk about sex all the time!! Sex is a great thing, it's makes the world go round, without sex there is no humanity, how can someones think about sex that much!! That's why I never talk about sex.