Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.

   I love that you can pee anywhere you want at Wal Mart.

   This bottle of vodka doesn’t have a suggested serving size printed on the label, so I’m just gonna assume its just one serving.

   Happy James Earl Ray Day!

   Veni, vidi, illud purgatur Translation. I came, I saw, I Cleaned it up.

   Wish someone would add me to their grocery list.

   I'll be in your bed if you need me!

   Girls really seem to dig it when a dude has an overwhelming inability to become emotionally close with anyone, especially them.

   Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.

   I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.

   If you don't put nipples on the letter o when there's two of them next to each other, then you're no fun and we can't hangout. B⊙⊙bs.

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ

   I've got a lot of respect for born again Christian women. God bless you all. (One less slut out there for me to compete with.)

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   Wow... over 500,000 people attended Obama's Inauguration today.. and only 7 missed work

   why does every ginger thinks she looks like Daphne from Scooby Doo??

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   I missed the zombie apocalypse um... er.... I mean Inauguration today...

   joy, now we get to spend the next 2 weeks hearing about the Harbaugh brothers...