Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to give the silent treatment, the least you could do is go on the street and pretend to be a mime. We're kinda broke here.

   When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   Just discovered that one sock in my favorite pair of socks has a hole in it.....I really don't think I can go on with my day now.

   my underwear is kinda half- assing it today

   I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...

   Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.

   my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer

   the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in

   On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.

   so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...

   I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)

   FYI: Always go through the opposite way of the Drive-Thru at McDonalds. A few waiting will throw enough bags of free food that will last for week!!!!

   College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.

   He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up

   An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.

   I want that job where you get to push scared skydivers off the plane.

   Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.