Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.

   My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"

   Kleenex Diem! Sneeze the day!

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.

   I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!

   My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!

   its Friday so you know what that means. I'm busy memorizing my spontaneous, sassy banter I'll use at the bar tonight!!

   Girl I would strap 45 lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you.

   If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Yeah right...next thing you're going to tell me is that Subway's footlong sandwiches are only 11 inches long...silly people...

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!

   I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.

   what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake...

   I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.

   I just spent 5 minutes on a dating website and now I need a shower...

   The fact that no one understands you does not mean you are an artist...