Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet guys are getting better at finding the clitoris now that pubes are extinct.

   Katt Williams just got arrested for the Lohanth time.

   My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.

   Oh $hit....... I think my imaginary girlfriend has been cheating on me with some dude from Notre Dame.

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   There is no "we" in chocolate.

   To any of you sick guys out there thinking about catfishing me, I'm terrible at texting back and scared of commitment so please just move along.

   I believe Manti Te'o but it seems like no one else does. I've been arguing about it all morning with my imaginary girlfriend Tina

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.

   Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of unicorn.

   I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.

   at least my imaginary girlfriend doesn't nag about all my masterbating...

   Manti Te'o wasnt missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.

   If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me with the Middle Linebacker from Notre Dame.

   "I only took imaginary steroids." Lying Lance