Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those Tesco burgers containing horse meat is nothing, my daughter bought something from there that contained traces of sh*t.

   Things I have noticed today: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers... and camel toe found in Primark leggings...

   Don't worry about horse meat in tesco burgers, cos its part of a stable diet

   My "check engine" light came on while driving this morning, I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...

   "Deep Inpact" is a fictional movie about our government reacting to an enormous problem buy trying to destroy it from existance thus resulting in creating two separate problems, 1 huge and 1 big. Sounds like reality to me.

   10 black guys said hi to me today. all I wanted was 1 white guy

   So if a tree falls down in the forest...does Manti Teo believe Junior Seau is dead

   All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

   Te'o hasn't been missing tackles, just hugging his girlfriend...

   Being Black At Disney Land... Mickeys been following me around the whole park. Relax, I'm not going to steal your happiness, Mouse.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. AKA Trigger burgers. You could see the marks where the jockey was hitting it.

   Manti Te'o watches Clint Eastwood speaking to an empty chair *nods approvingly*

   And the Oscar goes to.....Manti TE'O

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine

   i always said "im so hungry I could eat a horse" but I think i'll pass

   The new season of American Idol displays all the calculated, boring insignificance of every season that's preceded it.

   how are we gonna kill all the zombies if obama takes our guns away.