Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lance prolly lied about the whole Cancer thing just to cover his doping...

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   The day she agrees to a nal, I'm renting two industrial spotlights to shine into the night sky to celebrate the 'grand opening'.

   I was nervous coz I was about to meet her family and she told me to just be myself and I sure will miss her.

   Well, now I don't know the name of any professional cyclists.

   If I were a cop, I'd get a badge tattooed on one of my buttcheeks and press it on the window of anybody I pulled over.

   Planning to take my relationship to the next level this Valentine's day but I couldn't find a store that sells wedding rings for cats!

   No you may not "Axe" me a question, I don't speak Walmart.

   If Adele's doctor didn't say "the baby looks healthy rolling in the deep" at least once, she needs to find another doctor.

   Nice try, girls who make up for being fat with makeup, designer bags and shoes. Nice try.

   I’m saving time and money by misdiagnosing all my illnesses on the internet!

   The sun rises with coffee and sets with whiskey.

   Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ

   I really hope I never become famous because I'm really horrible at hooking up with celebrities.

   Ladies, is wrong to say that all men want is to get into your pants... some of them want to rip them off.

   If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise

   those Hairy Twatter books were good but I liked the movies better!!

   Being good at spelling is like knowing how to draw a really cool dragon. Unless you are a tattoo artist, no one cares. Skin doesn't auto correct!

   If it turns out Lance used drugs to beat cancer, I'm going to be so disappointed.

   Unless I see a tombstone of someone who died for not doing so, I won't 'like' your post to prove "love Jesus" or hate cancer.