Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lance Armstrong admits to cheating. Can you believe the ball of that guy?

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   When asked, "What is the best way to end an arguement with your wife" , I usually say a Hit & Run! She'll never see it coming!

   sometimes I put hot sauce in the ketchup bottles at work

   Allergy season must be near... blooming idiots are everywhere

   If anything the Lance Armstrong confession confirms my belief that exercise leads to deceitful behavior.

   Forgive me Oprah for I have sinned. This is my first confession in twenty years....

   My wife sure gets a kick out of my restless leg syndrome.

   I find it a little insulting when I do a facebook search for an old friend, and I get a message stating, "Sorry. There's no account set up for this person who obviously has a life."

   I like big books and I can not lie.

   Math problem: If you have 3 cats and you buy another 2 cats, how long before you die alone?

   I really want to get an iPad mini, so that at night when I'm alone and I'm feeling worthless, I can say to myself: "but I have an iPad!" and then I"ll feel better.

   Lance Armstrong probably still has both balls too.

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   The nerves of this kid to park his Smart car in between a Handicap spot!

   God created r acism when he decided to create different r aces.

   Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.

   Lance Armstrong probably didn't have the balls to admit he was using drugs

   Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.

   I'm having a love/hate relationship with my antihistamines.