Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The human body is amazingly intricate,, and astonishingly beautiful,, for a turd factory

   Hey look, Grandma!.. You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again....

   Vegas has the Ravens as a 9.5 point underdog against the Pats but the Ravens are a 3 body favorite in possible murders.

   I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   sometimes you have to delete your fb so you don't get caught

   SWAG = Secretly We Are Gay

   @illuminatedwndr: I love you, but I don't 'Spell your name out with refrigerator magnet letters' love you

   It's 8:35 AM and I've already sat on 3 different toilet seats. My morning in a nutshell.

   Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   Sugar Babies --- College girls hooking up with older men to pay their tuition.

   Which came first, tired or cranky?!

   i wonder if Rihanna was watching Twilight when she wrote the lyrics "shine bright like a diamond"

   "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.

   The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   When the "M" of MTV was for music & not for maternity... Those were the days

   Most girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Me: "I hangout by myself. There's no drama

   Taylor Swift set to release a new single about her her next boyfriend it's entitled, "You saw it coming"