Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. Follow me and you'll live forever!

   the death rate should be near zero with all the FB praying going on nowadays...

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   Ever fart so hard it makes your teeth chatter?......well this time her p ussy farted it made my teeth chatter too

   Hopes being pregnant gives Kim kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days

   Looks like Seattle can't win with only 11 players. They need a 12th man

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   it considered child labor if they think they are playing a game?

   Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.

   I love New England!!! (Clam Chowder)

   All these “like if you hate cancer” posts are f ucking ridiculous. Everybody hates cancer but clicking on some damn picture doesn’t do jack s hit!