Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   Justin Timberlake's grown a beard. We get it, Justin. You're edgy. Now get back to writing songs about how a girl made you cry

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   I was going to post a picture of the beautiful sunrise this morning but I forgot I'm lazy...

   my package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with

   The Mayan calendar was just a countdown for us to do something Epic.

   It's spooky how many kids look like their owners

   I've set aside 2013 for software updates.

   Hoarders have feelings too, you know,,,,,,,,,, They're around here somewhere,,, (moves empty pizza boxes around)

   You shouldn't have to "arm" teachers in school... but reality is people are freaking crazy. the big "what if" is it would prevent a lot of casualties... It's better to have something, than nothing...

   If I press 2 for Spanish, can I pay my bill in pesos?

   No, you pay with drugs.

   New Years Resolution #26: 'Not use the F word in every other sentence'. So far, it's going pretty fu*king well.

   true story: girl crying, calls me up and says her fiance left her a note out of the blue saying, "Babe dont worry about me, I'll be gone for 2 days!" I'm thinking she needs a drink or two with me tonight!

   When I stay at a man's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there, like my phone, my sweater, or my dignity.

   If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down.

   As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words, 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells THEIRS?

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.

   If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

   Has anyone attempted "The Drive Thru" in reverse??