Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   Let me fondle them with both hands in front of everyone so I know they’re real.

   A headache when my husband is not home is a waste of pain.

   I'm trying to save the world from the dangers of alcohol, one drink at a time.

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   Do these binoculars make my hot neighbor look fat?

   Who do atheists thank for Friday?

   if your FB name includes your college degree initials, you are a douche...

   Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.

   I hate boyfriends of women I have a crash on. So pardon me while I hate on your douchebag of a boyfriend.

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.

   i can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.

   The most beautiful women are often the most insecure, so don't forget to treat them like garbage too once in a while.

   When I stay at a woman's house that I want to see again I always "accidentally" lose something there like my phone, my hat, or my dignity.

   Girl, I hate you so much its like you're my girlfriend.