Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.

   You don't call it stalking; you call it solving a problem.

   If you held up 11 roses into a mirror, you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

   Today's relationships can be ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   Ugh, still writing 2012 on my death threats.

   Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.

   Even if you are surrounded by stupid insane people ,atleast you come to know how to refrain yourself from that ingredient needed to be the same. So ironically you should respect yourself :-P

   You're married and that's great but just so ya know I'm more jealous of the bachelor down the street who has no kids and own's three dogs."

   A girl was smiling and running with excitement towards me and at that moment, I knew…there was a clearance sale in the shoe store behind me.

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   If you try to win an argument by comparing the other side to "nazis", you are worse than Hitler.

   Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.

   I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed...

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   I think this buddy of mine is becoming really good at fishing coz all his neighbors call him a MASTER BAITER!....bravo buddy!

   Well,,, You don’t see as many people in the third world with a ‘slow metabolism’??,,,, do ya!

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   Pinterest lets people know things you like. For example… if you’re a man and you pin something, it lets people know you like men.

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.