Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one in my office is hitting on me. Seems like it's high time I shave my mustache.

   I like big brains and I can not lie.

   There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   People who buy secondhand phones off amazon and eBay don’t realize they’re interacting with a lot of genitalia bacteria.

   You can take your "third time's a charm" and shove it right up your "I deserve a second chance."

   I will always be there for you if you never need me.

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   If a girl says, "I hate drama" there is a 99% chance she is a huge drama queen.

   The fear of being hurt in a relationship usually causes you to stay single.

   someone corrected my grammar once and my grampar kicked their a$$...

   Why hello Mr. Cup of Tea which is scoldingly hot for the next 30 minutes but magically becomes ice tea 1 minute later..

   I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day is this normal?

   No matter how busy you get, never forget the importance of family

   My friend said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them for Christ sake..

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place and they are good to go

   When I get married: we're having all kinds of sex.. Where you been Sex..Random Sex.. Angry Sex.. We're out of sugar Sex...After eating KFC Sex

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.