Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two things some people can't live without, God and the internet, are everywhere and all-knowing. But only one of them gives you naked woman anytime you want.

   found out through fb hockey is back... I never knew it was gone

   Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ

   whenever I run I play Avici pandora in my pocket and pretend I'm running to Pacha

   Roses are red violets are blue, porn hub is down. So your mother's Facebook will do

   How to have a successful relationship - Don't mention your EX every other minute.

   I am ugly but not "use a a celebrity pic for my profile pic" ugly.

   I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.

   I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.

   If she looks beautiful even when she's mad, you're screwed.

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ

   So hockey is back, now is time for the fans to go on strike

   I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have an iPad built into it. So all my friends and family can write on my wall.

   My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief of me as the family does, and then marry her. Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm an idiot?

   Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..

   I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

   Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

   When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.