Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.

   Anyone else uncomfortable with how many nipples dogs have?

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report because I already have a inferiority complex.

   If he worked my clit as good as he works his Xbox controller, I could care less how much he plays that game

   Every Saturday night I go to the same casino, use the same machine, use the same numbers and it spits out loads of cash. You'd think they would call it something cooler than "ATM".

   whenever I walk onto a room the first thing that comes to my head is "I'm better than everyone in here"

   Diet is going great! No hostess snack cakes at all this year

   "No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths

   Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.

   I never order a Happy Meal. I order three. And yes, I get the toy. I eat it for the fiber.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...

   Here comes all the brand new Houston Texans fans.

   I went to that "Farmer's Dating" website I saw on TV....why do all the women look like sheep??

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   You wanna know whats more expensive then Milk and Gas.....Ink! Instead of buying ink for my wireless printer, I mightest well buy a new printer at the rate these prices are going!

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   money does talk... it says "goodbye" to me a lot

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.