Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karen on Facebook says she's… "Grabbing 2013 by the b*lls!" Karen's been a total slut since the divorce.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap

   I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   If you keep a foot in the past and a foot in the future, you're gonna piss on the present...

   nog steeds lekker vakantie

   Been a while since “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” & “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” We need a new song where someone yells a list.

   pretty sure God didnt kill your grandpa. he had cancer, its a sickness people die from

   You know you had a good night when you go to the bathroom the next morning and get the full effect of all the stool softener you drank...

   Somewhere, Joe Rogan's date is texting while he talks about supplements

   If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything

   It should be called a "vaninja", since I never see one.

   ..nothing up here, try further down the page.

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   If she can roll her own joint, marry her on spot.

   Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!

   Last time I saw you was last year. It felt so long ago, but I really miss you. I'm so happy I get to see you again this year. Tonight Lets Party hard! Thank you for coming back Saturday!

   I'm so high I could eat a cloud.

   We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?