Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 2013 resolution is for everyone else to gain 50 pounds.

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   Some People are Morning People, I am a Never People. *

   How many animals can you fit inside a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a sh1tload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find!!

   Some mistakes only a mother can love.

   The next time someone says to me "This too shall pass" they'd better be talking about a joint.

   I Met A Good Friend Through A Fake Friend

   I used to be Pro Life until I found out Kim Kardashian was pregnant!

   from now on, I only drink Gluten free beer. Just kidding, I don’t know what Gluten is but I bet it’s delicious!!

   Well, the New US Congress finished its first real day of work. There's probably a motion on the floor now to take the rest of the year off.

   Shine on you crazy cubic zirconia.

   Q) What did the snail say when rode on the turtle's back? A) WHEEEEEEEE!!!

   Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...

   so I just watched " Limitless" for the 1st time with my girlfriend. She said " Wouldnt it be great if there was a drug that you could accomplish anything and just b a little sick afterwards?"..i was like, there is, its called OPIATES...

   LIKE if you’ve already broke one of your New Year’s Resolutions.

   People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

   Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.

   People say I’m sarcastic but I’m just investigating the effects of irony on morons.

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire.