Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".

   hope the weekend comes as fast as my ex

   Facebook (FB) + Instagram (I) = FBI............."They" are watching you.

   I hope in 2013 people stop taking photos or videos with a 0.2 Megapixel potato

   Why do women continue to by men gifts, when the two "best" gifts are free? Blow Jobs and Silence!

   finally a cute stalker

   Hail Mary, full of grace, put Notre Dame in second place.

   Our economy would probably be much better if people only spent less time using facebook during work hours!!!

   I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!

   I'm not arrogant... I'm optimistic ... I truly believe everyone will come around to my way of thinking

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   I think my dirty clothes are lazy....I've given them a whole week and they still haven't moved any closer to the washer.

   The Speaker of the House outright left our Hurricane Sandy victims in the sand (no pun intended). So I am writing a strongly worded letter to Congress requesting that every American Dictionary replaces the word "erection" with "Boehner"....

   I was planning on being productive today until I heard Rump Shaker on the radio. Now all I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom zoom-zoom in a boom-boom.

   When I was beamed up into the Alien craft, the Military and the Aliens warned me that if I had said anything about this, people would think I was crazy. Little do they know that I have earned that reputation all on my own...

   You know there's an easy way to deal with cyber-bullies: Turn off the computer and go crush his hands with a meat mallet.