Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.

   I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

   i hate when I delete and add someones phone number so many times that I memorize it

   I think its about time we put the movie 2012 in the comedy section...

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."

   HA HA !! Kim Kardashian is Killing Kanye's Popularity ! What a D Bag !

   it safe to comeback? Are the kids back to school yet?

   They should rename Hockey "H0nkey", 'cause it's one of the last major team sports still dominated by Caucasoids. Thank G0D.

   Hockey still exists? Yeah right... next you're gonna tell me MTV plays music videos.

   "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Santa Clause" use the exact same plot formula.

   Rumor is Andy Reid is going to coach in KC after mistaking them for KFC......

   Like and enthusiastically comment on every photo your aunt has posted to facebook. Turn the tables

   Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.

   Hey, Dave Grohl...we get it. You hit the drums hard. Now try playing with some dynamics.

   look, I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later.

   schools are back in session. Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.

   Why is it as a grown man living in your own home you cannot touch those "special" pillows on the couch, but those grandkids can come over and toss them everywhere and its cute?

   turns out, Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.