Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's colder than a tin toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg!

   Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL.

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   My brother took being sent to prison really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we vowed never to play Monopoly again at Christmas...

   Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause

   God grant me the serenity not to beat the holy living bajeezus out of those who piss me off and the wisdom to know this will make a funny story later.

   MDS stand for multiple dumbass syndrome

   Lord....Please send ALL the morons below me back to school!!

   Just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect.You might be a neurotic perfectionist.

   well that's about as frustrating as a Jehovah's Witness trying to tell a knock-knock joke.

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   Advice please. I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had “you win” written on it. Do I celebrate with white wine or red?

   A Jehova Witness tried to tell me a "Knock Knock" joke, but got all mad cause I didn't answer him.

   Damn this brotha is BLACK! Looking like 2:15 in the damn morning!

   WOOHOO! Passed my AIDS test! Got a 74%!

   TOP 3 signs I need to lose weight this year.......3-The horse on my Polo shirt is real 2-When I take the elevator, I have to go down 1-A picture of me fell off the wall

   OMFG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

   I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).