Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what's the plural for' "I ran over your cat"?

   so these two Myans walk into a bar...oh...too late?

   I dont know why when I'm online I just gravitate towards Facebook. The computer, the internet/ service, or the Ipad are just useless and pointless with out checking my newsfeed.

   New Word: "Shoepidity"… the act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.

   My New Year's resolution is to take up a new hobby: Jogging. Hopefully that doesn't interfere with my other hobby, which is Lying.

   I've seen over 10 ladies whose New Year's Resolutions include “Loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

   I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?

   FACEBOOK; exposing the idiots among us since September 26, 2006.

   Instead of reading "KIM & KANYE EXPECTING A BABY", the headlines should have read, "KIM GETS KNOCKED UP AFTER HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH KANYE OUT OF WEDLOCK!"

   My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg

   No need to get in shape for me. At work, I get enough exercise by jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing co-workers in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck! 

   The difference between people with tattoos and those without is, people with tattoos don't judge those without...

   *Achievement Unlocked* 15G - Reading This Status All The Way

   i have no new years resolution. I can't take the pressure to keep one

   Saying my first day of work in 2013 sure feels like my last day of work in 2012

   Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...

   Accidentally broke the window out of my neighbor's Accord while playing catch with my son and started it with a screwdriver out of habit.

   What's the acceptable amount of days for someone to say, "Happy New Year!" before you're allowed to punch them in the face for abusing the line?

   If I'm at Death's door, I'm going to pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so that he'll never answer it.

   I love you more than I hate everyone else.