Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welp. Looks like I broke my new years resolution regarding procrastination....Guess who just p00ped their pants.

   The key to happiness is having something to look forward to. Lindsay Lohan turns 27 this year and there is this one club. She likes clubs.

   When someone posts this: "Last year was wonderful....this year has been pretty awesome too! Can't stop smiling...bring it on!" It actually means: "I didn't do j@ck $hit."

   Happy New Year everyone....and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage .

   Facebook sure is quiet this morning....wonder why.

   For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.

   Contrary to what you may think, my moral compass is not broken. It just happens to be pointing toward hell

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   Never ignore a person who loves you and cares for you. One day you may realise you've lost the moon while busy counting the stars.

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty

   HAPPY HANGOVER DAY

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   What happened in 2012 stays in 2012...

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   well..... so much for my 'not killing time with Facebook' resolution.

   I haven't had a drink all year! Unless you count those after midnight last night...

   A friend of mine wants to set me up with her cute friend, but her friend is picky cos she has a kid, so I told her my name was "Jif" because we all know choosey moms choose Jif...