Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turn on radio*: "shine bright like a-" *Turns off radio

   I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.

   i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on

   when you do something because you want to do it is when you will be most successful

   Jack "THE" Ripper and Winnie "THE" Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...

   The only productive part of me today is my liver.

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I'll miss you all dearly

   If you live by the sword, I guess that's pretty cool. I live by some trees and other houses

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   I tried that "Take a laxative to stop coughing, you'll be afraid to cough" remedy. It was going great....until I sneezed.

   Just because I tell you that I love you does not mean I really do. I might be drunk. Or just really, really horny.

   All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   My favorite dish at restaurants is the wi-fi password.

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.

   Being heard is something, but being felt is a whole different thing.

   Funny how people who keep saying "I'm always there for you" are usually the ones responsible for your miserable life.