Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!

   At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

   that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!

   If a typo appears in the dictionary is it officially a new word?

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   Please put this on your status if you know someone, are related to, and/or adore someone who has ADD or ADHD. 93% of peo oh snap is that a dog outside?

   Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.

   I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy.

   perfectly capable of lying about whether or not he likes big butts.

   italian food has many pastabilities...

   Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   Got a talking scale for Christmas. First thing it said was "one at a time, please..."

   I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did

   Snowed again so I put on clean underwear this morning in case I get in an accident on the way to work

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.