Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I smile politely when someone bumps into me while texting on their phone because I respect their right to ignore the world.

   Facebook is the best way to prove that you made the right decision when you broke up with that person you dated in high school.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else's phone. Ever.

   The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.

   i had a dream this guy apologized for everything, and then I woke up and put bird seeds in front of his building

   When I say I'm done with a facebook chat, that doesn't mean you can keep typing for another 20 minutes. It means I'M DONE CHATTING!

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   You know it's sad when my phone battery last longer than some peoples relationships.

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.

   Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

   A woman's place is in the kitchen...bent over the table.

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking

   Weird. Just set fire to the gym after they played "Gangnam Style" and when I told the cops the reason they high-fived me and gave a medal.

   A stranger is just a friend you haven't alienated yet.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.