Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   After spending most of Sunday wrapping presents I've decided next year everyone gets square present

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   If you think this years elections were nasty think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Always Remember, If CHRISTMAS Isn't Found In Ur Heart, You Won't Find It Under A Tree..

   Headed out and about shopping, maybe the mall and trying out my new Mistletoe belt buckle!!

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Not setting my expectation high this Xmas, since I shall not be kissed under a mistletoe I shall accept to be kissed by a camel-toe.

   Well, time to get dressed and go Christmas shopping. What time does Walgreens close?

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   last minute stocking stuffer gift idea... knee-pads for the wife!

   It would probably make more Sense if they did our taxes 2 mths before christmas that way we can actually afford christmas.