Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

   "extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

   Does anyone know what an 'Ofah Queue' is? Because that's what my husband said he got me for Christmas this year.

   I survived the Mayan Apocalypse and all I got was this lousy hangover.

   There are 3 types of females in this world. There are ladies you introduce to your mother, there are women you introduce to your friends and there are girls you show the door to

   Can't wait for the Cirque Du Soleil show based on the Steve Martin film The Jerk. I'll be 1st in line for Cirque El Jerk.

   The Mayans were so incorrect that... Obama just won their electoral votes.

   I bet the people that really died yesterday got up to Heaven and was like "WTF?? Where in the heII is everybody else"??

   if there's too much sauce on the biscuit.. you better find another biscuit to eat! ;)

   Sometimes I like to challenge myself AnD exercise at the same time.... Today I made it an extra five minutes just by squirming around and wiggling my foot before I had to run for the bathroom........

   Never trust a Chia Pet.....don't ask.

   Yesterday, 'Gangnam Style' became the first YouTube music video to receive 1 BILLION views. Which makes yesterday the actual day the music died.

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   Apocalypse Update Day 2: Still here....... Damn!!

   Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!

   After Facebook picked our minds for years...NOW it is asking How it's going?....how am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy..?? Like · · Promote

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.