Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mark Zuckerberg should have just shut down Facebook for 24 hours...That should have scared enough people to think the world was over!!!

   Drink apple juice... OJ will kill you.

   DEAR SANTA, When you're done with it... Can I have the naughty girl list????

   Crap! Still here! Better schedule that colonoscopy,

   Twinkee's are coming back... There is a God.

   I'm gonna get a tshirt made that says ' I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy tshirt

   If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

   BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?

   If spiders start flying I'm leaving this planet.

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   My name is Fred and I'm a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....

   I Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings