Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 things in this world scare me: 1. scorpions 2. jellyfish 3. streets named after civil rights leaders at night.

   12 simple steps to great life in future…. 1) Walk straight up 2) Make 11 steps in front before jumping off the cliff.

   What if Mayans were right, and we find ourselves stuck in a #Speck held on an elephant trunk just like Dr. Seuss foretold in "Horton hears a who!"

   What if the 12/21/12 is the day Winrar trial period ends?

   I just got my Kardashian Christmas card. It came with Herpes...

   I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas

   If I meet my maker as a result of gun violence , let it be said that I went in a shootout not a shooting .

   "MOM, WE'RE OUT OF TAMPONS!!" - Justin Bieber

   Well my dentist is getting a stool sample whether he wants one or not.

   Gangnam style should hit 1billion YouTube hits by 21st December. .. well played Mayans

   Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

   despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late '90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.

   Maybe the Mayans meant it'd be the end of shows like Idol, all things Kardashian & every reality show with "Wives" in the title.

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   I'm bored. I think I'll get pregnant.

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos!